Toby the Metro Life Coach

I’ve never been one to turn down free advice or good conversation. I met an extremely interesting gentleman by the name of Toby at Union Station. When I first sat down next to him he was listening to headphones belting out his favorite rap lines. He was dressed in checkered black and white shorts with a black polo and was trying to initiate a conversation with an asian gentleman who wasn’t having it at all. I felt embarrassed by someone acting so rude to Toby, and began conversing with him. His language was extremely graphic, and his delivery definitely needed some work, but he had some confidence I think we should all try to emulate in life. The topics we discussed ranged from domestic violence, interracial relationships, pick up lines (or what he called cash lines), and lastly the six different types of women.

Now what I’m about to share with you according to him only six other men in the world know about and should be digested and read only with a huge amount of respect. The first type of woman is a “player or playette”, she’s extremely social and has a great sense of humor. As he’s describing this type of woman, he nonchalantly pointed at a woman minding her own business listening to her iPod and said she probably fit this mold and how it’s extremely important to use gestures with “playettes”. I of course needed examples of these gestures to implement in my litany of interpersonal devices. Toby then proceeded to casually look down at his leg for a second, and then sensually (or as sensual as you can get with a heinously lazy eye) slowly raised his head and made lusty eye contact with me. At this point I was 100% positive he was giving me completely sound advice and asked him to profer the rest of the types of women.

I asked him if this strategy really worked and he said of course it does watch this. He asked a woman standing next to us in the metro if she was social and surprisingly she grinned and said “Yes” in response. Toby then exultingly turned back to me and said that this woman was extremely social and the only type of woman you want to speak with in general because they are the most receptive to conversation. Like I mentioned earlier, he really needed to work on his delivery, he literally yelled his life coach tips to me which sounds bad but was really excellent because the entire metro car could be privy to such life altering advice. After 45 minutes of lecturing me on how to speak with women, he randomly exited out of the metro without any warning besides a quick fist pound and nimbly dodged the closing doors. Five minutes later at the next stop the woman he had earlier asked if she was social tapped me on the shoulder as she was walking out and gave me the best advice of the night “Sir, if you listen to any of that advice that man just gave you you are so dumb”. She obviously had no idea what a casanova Toby really was.

Alexander Hurd