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This is a sometimes satirical, sometimes serious guide to D.C.'s monuments on the National Mall. After going on about a dozen tours of the monuments, we think we know it all.  -- By Tyler, Helena, and Kirstie (Summer 2016)

Washington Monument

Illuminati. Confirmed.

(5/5)

The Washington Monument is the tallest structure in D.C. measuring 555 ft. (which is only 111 ft. off from being 666 ft.…) All other buildings bow to this structure, enter: the Heights of Buildings Act of 1910. The Monument is surrounded by 50 U.S. flags, each numbered and representing a state in the Union. All flags fly in the same direction at any given point in time, thanks to a special mechanism called air manipulation. The design replicates an Egyptian obelisk, and the sheer power George Washington demanded. Washington actually began construction of the monument before his death, because he knew America would want to cherish his leadership indefinitely. Upon his death, George was thrown on top of the unfinished monument (about a third of the way up its height today) and President Lincoln took over the reconstruction. You’ll notice that the color of the monument changes at exactly the point where the former President is buried; Washington’s soul radiates through the top two-thirds of the structure, as he tries to ascend to the top of the monument, thus discoloring the stone. On a rainy night, you can see Washington looking over the city with his two red eyes. Today, it is best known as the prominent ‘I’ in the classic O-H-I-O WAIPer pic.

It is also a front for a rocket launcher.

World War II Memorial

To wade or not to wade?

(5/5)

Sitting between the Washington and Lincoln Memorials, the World War II Memorial is composed of 56 columns, 2 arches, a fountain, and the Freedom Wall. This is arguably one of the more stunning and interactive monuments on the National Mall, especially at night. Each column represents one of the 50 states, but also includes other countries and territories, one being the Philippines. Legislation was introduced 4 separate times in order to allow the construction to begin; the first 3 pieces of legislation did not reach a vote before the end of a congressional session. In two unknown (*to the writers of this blog) locations, the phrase “Kilroy Was Here” is inscribed on the Memorial, which was a pop-culture statement during WWII representing safety and familiarity for American soldiers. Among many criticisms of the Monument, one is that a secret vault lies below the foundation; a passerby, who upon seeing the WAIP cohort warned that the police were following him, made this suspicion most famous. On a hot D.C. summer day, you will often find tourists wading their feet in the fountain, which is probably the biggest controversy among National Park Rangers.

Birdcage

What is this.

(unknown/5)

The Birdcage Memorial – less commonly known as the District of Columbia War Memorial – sits in the shadows of the World War II and Lincoln Memorials. Illuminated at night, most people walk past and wonder, “What in the heck is the move, Birdcage Memorial?” This smaller version of the Jefferson Memorial, minus the Jefferson, is a tribute to the fearless hawks and doves and other scary birds of D.C. This is where they go to plot. Unsurprisingly, the birds of D.C. actually conquered this memorial for their own, stealing it from its original honorees. When the birds migrate for the winter, the memorial regains its original purpose, honoring the soldiers hailing from the District of Columbia who fought in WWI.

Vietnam War Memorial

(5/5)

Situated to the north of the Lincoln Memorial, the Vietnam War Memorial is a wall that is sunken into the Earth. Maya Lin, an undergraduate at Yale, created the winning design in a contest for the Memorial. Her design was chosen out of over 1,400 applicants, including those of her elders, professors and peers. The concept is meant to depict a wound, an opening in the Earth that represents the pain of the War and all the lives lost. The Wall grows in height as you walk farther down the path, which slopes into the ground, disappearing behind the grass. There are 58,307 names engraved into the stone of the wall, representing all the lives lost due to the War. Although the design of the Memorial is incredibly beautiful and moving, the flowers, notes and photos left against the Wall are the most poignant. These are personal sentiments from friends, families and other veterans and are clear signs that the War, although it ended 41 years ago, still has a very large effect on America and its people today.

Korean War Memorial

(5/5)

The statues of soldiers that make up this memorial all measure between 7’3” and 7’6”, each weighing nearly 1,000 lbs. There are 14 representing the Army, 3 representing the Marines, one representing the Navy, and one representing the Air Force. The juniper bushes at the feet of the soldiers are meant to represent the harsh terrain of Korea. One of the most striking and dynamic memorials, the Korean War Memorial was completed in 1995, the 42^nd anniversary of the armistice that ended the war, making it only 21 years old. Fun fact: an image of the memorial was depicted on a postage stamp, and in 2010 a court case ensued—was the designer of the memorial entitled to compensation for his intellectual property? The U.S. Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit ruled yes!

George Mason Memorial

Washington’s Playboy.

(2.5/5)

Just a quick jog from best friends Thomas Jefferson and George Washington, bronzed George Mason manspreads on his own empty bench; mirroring the image of many a ride on the D.C. metro. The man is known for penning the Virginia Bill of Rights, which inspired the United States Bill of Rights. Writing this as a transfer from George Mason University, I have a certain pride sitting alongside this mysterious man (- Tyler). Featured in this semester’s required reading “The Summer of 1787” by David O. Stewart, Mason is the subject of a compelling first chapter alongside pal George Washington. This memorial is somewhat of a knockoff of the one featured on GM’s campus. And the man was somewhat of a knockoff George Washington.

Martin Luther King Junior Memorial

White granite?

(4/5)

Bearing a not-so-striking resemblance to Dr. Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., the MLK memorial sits on the Tidal Basin, sculpted in white granite. There MLK stands, angrily staring at Thomas Jefferson from across the water, keeping him in line for all of eternity. MLK is one of only four non-presidents to be memorialized on the National Mall, the others being George Mason, John Paul Jones, and John Ericsson. He is also the first African-American man to be honored with a memorial near the Mall. The memorial is based on a line from his famous “I Have a Dream” speech: “Out of a mountain of despair, a stone of hope.”

Franklin D. Roosevelt Memorial

Two men, a woman, and a dog walk into a bar.

(3/5)

Why are there two statues of Franklin Delano Roosevelt? The first is what you see right at the entrance of the memorial. He is very unassuming and his eyes are hidden by thick, opaque, somewhat creepy glasses. The second is a monster of a man, cloaked in a heavy cape, and missing his glasses. He is accompanied by his overgrown Scottish Terrier, named Fala. One may ask: but where is FDR’s beloved wife, Eleanor? Don’t you worry – she’s commemorated just around the corner with a statue of her own. Entrenched in a wall, her accomplishments as a United States delegate are overshadowed by Fala. These characters are also complemented by the other statues featured at the memorial including a line of men waiting at a makeshift soup kitchen and an American intently listening to FDR’s famous Fireside Chats. All of these figures are situated between four different “rooms”, representing all of FDR’s Presidential terms. Each of these rooms feature a waterfall, increasing in complexity as you move further into his Presidency, just as the Presidency itself grew more complex.

Jefferson Memorial

Champion of human rights. Owner of slaves.

(2/5)

Sitting smugly across from Lincoln on the Tidal Basin, this memorial is a larger version of the Birdcage Memorial (aka the District of Columbia War Memorial – see above). Thomas Jefferson stands inside, gazing stoically across the rippling waters of the Potomac, his left foot placed ever so slightly forward. It’s as if Jefferson is leaving behind the oppression he, a rich white man, once faced as a colonist, and is stepping boldly into the future; a future in which he, a rich white man, could finally be free. The building’s construction began in 1939, was finished in 1943, but the statue wasn’t added until 4 years later, in 1947. Scandalously, the location of this memorial was originally going to house a monument for Theodore Roosevelt. However, he got his own island instead, so who’s the real winner here, TJ?! Clearly, the construction of this memorial was filled with drama that lasted into its early years of existence, much like the construction of our great nation.

Lincoln Memorial

Yes, it’s life-sized.

(4.5/5)

Shortly after completing the Washington Monument, Lincoln began construction of his own shrine in an attempt to one-up the first President. With hands measuring roughly 3.5 feet, it obviously didn’t take him that long to build his likeness and a sturdy Parthenon in marble. Lincoln chose this design on purpose because his favorite movie was the 1990s animated classic, Hercules, for which he actually voiced the part of Zeus. Lincoln sits facing east towards the Washington Monument, staring directly into the eyes of Washington himself. Lincoln drafted two of his most famous speeches on the side of the Memorial, giving us some good insight on the quality of his handwriting. Once a hidden gem, the Memorial was thrust into the spotlight by Ben Gates as it was on its steps where he famously decided to steal the Declaration of Independence. Lincoln chose to construct his Memorial on the most western point of the National Mall (also the furthest point from WAIP housing). It is a food desert, no metro in sight, and caused 2 residents of 229-2 to be late to the viewing of SNL hosted by Drake. They will never forgive Lincoln.

WE HOPE YOU'VE LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT D.C. ONE LAST FUN FACT: