Life on the Hill: A User’s Guide

There is considerable mythology surrounding the life of the Capitol Hill intern, most of which, as it turns out, is false. Most offices aren’t riddled with sex scandals and lobbyist bribery, and you probably won’t get offered a six-figure salary as a result of an doing an exemplary job of answering the phones. However, there are a few ways to make your time on The Hill worth your while. Without further ado, the unabridged field guide: Real tips, plus sass!

Tip 1: Go to Congressional Briefings:

Every day, hundreds of lobbyists and nonprofit government relations advocates storm the Capitol with the intention of educating your office staff about their specific interest areas, holding informational panels that no one in your office has time to attend. Go in their place! You’ll have the unique opportunity to suddenly be an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, and sometimes there’s free muffins!

Tip 2: Dress Well, but Don’t Stress:

If you’re anything like me, you’re probably spending some time freaking out about not knowing what to wear on the Hill. Don’t worry! If you’re a male, wear a suit. If you’re not a male, wear whatever women wear in lieu of a suit. Problem solved! If it’s recess, wear whatever you want! I have a creeping suspicion that people in my office sometimes don’t even wear pants during recess. But seriously though, one time I saw Senator Hatch in a wrinkled suit that was 3 sizes too big, with tennis shoes, so if you’re worried about not looking professional enough, you’re probably being irrational.

Tip 3: Network!

When you go to briefings and meet new people, be sure to introduce yourself. You might meet people who are willing to help your career in the future, or at the very least, direct you towards the free muffins. Give them your business card! In fact, give them thirty of your business cards, not only in case they lose the first twenty-nine, but also because you can apparently only order quantities of business cards in multiples of 9 billion.

Tip 4: Don’t Shy Away from Receptions:

When there aren’t enough free muffins to provide sustenance in light of the fact that Washington is too expensive to buy groceries, don’t fret. Start asking around about Congressional receptions. The Taco Bell Franchise Managers PAC once had a 3-hour reception from which I snagged 13 tacos! I didn’t have to cook for a week! Also, I got scurvy.

I hope these tips will be useful for all your future endeavors, and provide you with guidance while your bank account quickly dwindles down to nothingness. Enjoy!

- Drew Lindenberger